Where the Parents Are?

"Now he [or she] is eighteeen months, or maybe two, and you've settled into being 'just a mother'. It's not a bad job after all. Your hours are flexible, and you can come and go as you please, provided you take the boss along. And who could ask for a nicer boss than that smiling, chubby little fellow who tags along with you wherever you go?"

- Mary White (La Leche League International, Board of Directors and Founding Mother), quoted from the foreword of "Mothering Your Nursing Toddler" by Norma Jane Bumgarner

I'm a stay at home Mom. Most days I love it. As with anything (a job, a relationship, a project) there are days when it gets frustrating. Yet I am so glad to have made the choice that I have.

It perplexes me when I talk to new mothers, who are clearly thrilled to be with their baby, and they start to worry aloud about getting the childcare arrangements sorted out, and wonder how they will ever adjust to being back at work, without giving equal consideration to staying home.

This leads to a scenario I've watched several times: a great new Mom (or Dad) has had to trudge reluctantly back to work after the parental leave, and their child vanishes from the local playgroup to be put into daycare. Months pass between the few times I see them, as they've become so over scheduled they can hardly arrange a social visit, let alone be spontaneous about it. Almost a year passes, and then I notice that their relationship has changed. Mom's voice sounds weary when she talks; the child misbehaves a lot, and maybe pushes her away when she offers a cuddle. Mom's too timid to be firm about the inappropriate things her child does. She doesn't see her child as much, so she'll do anything to avoid a conflict.

It's one of those little quiet tragedies, I think, of everyday life. Yet it's such an accepted one, and one people think they must go through in the process of raising their children.

Another scenario, this one happier, is that the parents return to work, and are lucky to find a nanny or relative to be the sole care provider for their child. Many children seem to thrive in a situation where they (along with a sibling, perhaps) get lots of loving attention from a talented, caring individual. The child becomes very attached to this person. The bittersweet consequence is that the exclusive relationship the parents enjoyed with their young child has been prematurely given away to this person. Mom's may feel a pang of guilt, even jealousy, when they watch their children rush into the arms of their beloved caregiver each weekday morning, and don't look back.

What also gets lost is the community that could develop among parents raising children. We get to know each other, and then go our separate ways just as things get interesting. The well-known adage of "it takes a village to raise a child" is, in my opinion, not realized very well in our society.

If you read the above, shrug your shoulders, and feel these are scenarios that don't greatly trouble you - that's fine with me. Everyone is different. We all have different degrees of need, different temperments and priorities. I'm not about to try and convince you that you are wrong and ought to change. I'm not about to try and convince parents, who work outside the home, that they ought to make the same choice I have.

Instead, I would like to try and offer some advice to parents who want to stay home but are convinced they can't; and to new parents (or those about to be parents) who are still deciding if stay-at-home parenting is for you. My next few posts will look at staying home from the financial, emotional and logistical aspects.